When life gives you lemons...

...make lemonade.

...ask for salt and tequila.

...keep them because hey: free lemons!

...find the kid with the papercut.

...blame Adam and Eve for eating all the good fruit.

...duck.

you've heard it all, right? so why when something so unexpected happens in our lives does it come as such a surprise? the only sure thing in life IS change. we all know this. we've all experienced it. not only that, but we've all survived it. sure, it might have been a painful process, but you're still here right?

it would sound cliche of me to say, be thankful. because the truth is, it could be worse. it could always be worse. no one wants to hear it, let alone admit it, but that doesn't mean it isn't true.

bad things happen to good people. friends will disappoint us. those we love will let us down. people lie. cheat. steal. manipulate. life is unfair sometimes. it's complicated. it often times doesn't make sense. so when life gives us lemons (because it WILL at some point in time throw them your way), what do we do?

cliche as it is, lemonade won't solve world hunger. or a broken heart. or an illness.

i don't have an answer.

i'm sure i could come up with some genious explination or funny catch phrase if i tried hard enough, but after the kind of weekend i had, i got nothin'. except this...

i was at the gym saturday doing squats next to an older gentleman. he looked like he was in his 70s and had a nice tan glow to him. he kind of reminded me of a younger (and less creepy) Hugh Hefner. our eyes met and we exchanged smiles. i decided to walk over to him.

"what's your secret?" I asked.
he stared at me blankly. i wasn't sure if it was because of the horrible aroma i was exuding, or if he genuinely wasn't sure where i was going with it.

"what's your secret to being so fit?" I asked in more detail.

i had hoped he understood what i meant without adding "at your age" to the end of my question.

"just keep going" he said smiling at me.

i stood there thinking about what he had said. it probably didn't mean that much to him, but it did to me. i smiled to myself and thought, "now isn't that the secret of life".

i don't have all the answers. all i know is when my friends hurt, i hurt. sometimes i make stupid decisions, and the consequences aren't always fun. learning the hard way really is hard. but life happens. lemons happen.

what you do with them, well that's up to you. we all find ways to cope. the important thing is that we keep going.

I'm coming home.

By no means do I claim to be a P-Diddy fan or follower, but his song "Coming Home" came on the radio this morning on my way to church (which I haven't attended in months, by the way) and it struck something deep within me. The chorus goes as such:

I’m coming home
I’m coming home
Tell the World I’m coming home
Let the rain wash away all the pain of yesterday
I know my kingdom awaits and they’ve forgiven my mistakes
I’m coming home, I’m coming home
Tell the World that I’m coming

Home is such a complex concept. I mean, really, what--or where--is home? If you asked someone to describe what they would define as being home, it certainly wouldn't be the same as the next person. It's different to everyone. Some people call home the place they were born and raised. For others, who may have been subjected to moving every couple of years growing up for a parents job might call home their favorite place they lived. For others still, home is simply where they are surrounded by friends and family, regardless of location. Regardless of what, or where, home is, when we tell someone we're going home there is an unspoken understanding that it is a place of peace, joy, and comfort.

There's a story about going home in the Bible. It's the story of the prodigal son. I'll give you a quick summary, in case you've never heard of it. A father has two sons--the younger of the two asks his father for his inheritance, so the father gives it to him. The son then proceeds to pack up all of his things and leave his home with his new found inheritance, and spends all the money his father had given him in a foreign and distant land. He ends up so broke that he takes a job tending to fields and cleaning up after pigs, becoming so hungry he is willing to eat the pigs food (and i'm not talking about bacon). He decides he has had enough of living this way and rather be a slave to his own father, therefore he heads home. The scripture reads,

"When he was still a long way off, his father saw him. His heart pounding, he ran out, embraced him, and kissed him. The son began to say, 'Father, I've sinned against God, I've sinned against you, and I don't deserve to be called your son ever again'. But the father wasn't listening. He was calling to the servants, 'Quick, bring a clean set of clothes and dress him...get the finest pig we have to roast him...we're going to have a feast! My son is here--given up for dead and now alive! Given up for lost and now found!"
--Luke 15:20-24

This story has a much deeper and personal meaning to me than a lot of people. In many ways, it is MY story.  "When he was still a long way off, his father SAW him", as if he were deliberately standing on the front porch pacing back and forth wondering when his son might return home. "His heart pounding, he ran out, embraced him, and kissed him", can you imagine a better 'welcome home' than that? And as the son stood there being welcomed back to a place he just up and left without regard to the friends or family he left behind, he begins apologizing. "BUT THE FATHER WASN'T LISTENING", wait, what? Did you catch that? His dad couldn't have cared less about what he did or didn't have to say. His son was home. His pride and joy, his world, his baby boy, had finally returned home--NOTHING ELSE MATTERED.

I haven't been paying much attention to God the last few months. Not like I should be. I walked into church this morning not knowing what to expect. Would I feel guilty? Would God begin telling me off? Would people know I hadn't been to church in months and wonder why all of a sudden I decided to go? Would they know I didn't really belong? Who was I, an outsider, to try and pretend to be one of them? A sinner among saints. A crimson stain among the snow.

And then came a still soft voice.

"Welcome home".

And like the prodigal son I thought, but I'm so unworthy. I am SO unworthy to be called your daughter. But He didn't listen. "I've missed you, and I've never stopped loving you. I KNEW you'd come home"

Home can mean a lot of things. It can be a place, people, or memories, and it's different for everyone. But there is one Home we all have in common. One Home where we will always be welcome. No matter how long it's been, or how far we've strayed, our Dad waits for us to come Home.

It's time for some changes. It's time for letting go. It's time for me to go home.

Life calls.

It's been awhile. The to-do lists finally caught up with me, (more like chased me down and roughed me up a little bit). My Spring semester of my junior year has offically begun. Nursing has once again, consumed my life. It's only day 4. Dear Lord Baby Jesus, help me.

I'm sure there will be many times I will kick and fuss and wine and complain about how much work I have and how much I wish I had a break throughout the semester, but the truth of it is, I love Nursing. I cannot imagine myself doing absolutely anything else in the entire world. And THAT keeps me going. For whatever CRAZY reason, God has put a passion for working with people in my heart, and there's not much I can do about it. Other than to relentlessly keep pushing forward despite the fact that at times everything in me wants to simply give up. But I can't, because something deeper within drives me. Sometimes crazy.

I have continued to be blessed in many ways. I've had some pretty special people come into my life. Some friends, and some more than friends. We'll leave it at that, simply because I like to keep parts of my life a secret. Bottom line is this--these people, they make me happy. Really happy. They encourage me, uplift me, challenge me, and they've changed me. You know who you are. You're loved. A lot.

I've also had some pretty amazing oppertunities thrown my way. A few weeks ago I found out I was accepted for an externship at Hershey Medical Center in the PICU/PIMU (pediatric intensive care unit/medical unit for you non-medical people). There were over 800 some applicants hospital-wide, and I competed against 15 other students in my unit for one of four spots. Monday of this week, I found out that I was accepted for an externship at Mayo Clinic in MN in the pediatric oncology unit. They recieved over 1,100 applicants, and I was one of 110 that got picked. aoifeja;oeijfaweioj! Needless to say, it was EXTREMELY overwhelming. Never in my WILDEST dreams did I imagine getting the oppertunity to study at such a prestegious medical facility. I was also offered an interview for an externship at UPMC in Pittsburgh, but polietly declined considering I had already been offered two wonderful oppertunities.

I have a lot to think about and I am diligently praying as to which oppertunity I'd like to take advantage of. Both are equally wonderful, and I'm honored to have been given a chance at either one. I will keep you posted on my decision.

More blessings...one of my best college friends is getting pregnanter by the day. I know that's not a word, but it's true. She is absolutely beautiful and I cannot wait to meet her little girl. I call her Adilyn Grace, but a name has yet to be decided. Not only is she expecting a baby girl, but she's getting married at the beginning of August and has asked me to be a bridesmaid. I am beyond thrilled. This girl means the world to me, and I know she's going to make the most wonderful wife and mother.

Right now I have the flu. I can't say it's much of a blessing, but it's been a good reminder that my body needs rest. I've been training just about every day for the last couple of months for an event I'm doing in April. I put a lot of stress on myself to perform well and get frusterated when the numbers on the scale don't show improvement. I've been told by many, who care deeply about me, that I need to rest, but I'm stubborn and don't listen very well. I think having the flu is God's way of saying--chill out. So, I am.

I will spend tonight the same way I have spent the past few Thursday nights. Cuddled up beside a dear friend watching the Jersey Shore. It doesn't get much better than this. (Except maybe if snooks were here).

happy holidays.

So if you're like me, most of you are back at work or school.  I hope your holiday's were as wonderful and relaxing as mine. Here's a few things that happened over my holiday...

--My family volunteered on Christmas day downtown Harrisburg at a soup kitchen. When I asked the men & women who came through the line how they were doing many responded by saying, "I'm blessed". It blew my mind and touched my heart.

--I got to spend lots of time with my better half. ice skating. talking. shopping. and mostly, laughing. Tine, I am reminded how lucky I am God has given me a second chance. I cannot imagine my life without you. Your presense alone brings me joy. I'm so proud of the woman you've become and continue to grow into being. Love you.

--said goodbye to a friend. for good. you'll forever be a part of me.

i cannot wait to love like that again someday.

--I was reunited with a dear friend who returned home from having served in Afghanistan. As I listened to him tell stories of fallen comrades, tears rolled down his cheeks and my heart was full of gratitude.

To those who have served and are currently serving in the U.S military and to the friends and family members who have ever had to spend a Christmas alone because your loved one was protecting our freedom, I sincerely thank you. You are all heros.

--i turned 21. 'nuff said.

--i went to the dentist, doctors & gman.

got a cavity filled, blood drawn, and found out i can have babies. woo!

--ate cookies, drank some vino, and laughed. a lot.

--worked out almost every day. sometimes twice a day.

--worked hard. partied harder. now i have the flu.

i've spent the last three days with a fever in the 100's, a runny nose, and a horrible cough. i guess that's what i get for refusing to get the flu shot. but, there is no time to waste. there are things to be done, people to see, standard deviations to be calculated. (i'm taking a statistic's course for the month of january).

thankful for a wonderful break. and possibly the best break ever.

for now.

Happy New Day.

Here's my problem with New Years Resolutions.

Why do people have to wait an entire year to decide to make changes? Why do people seem to make up excuses as to why they can't do one thing or another until a new year comes around? New Years Resolutions are hopes, dreams, and goals put off by excuses throughout the year. They should be called New Years Resocuses. (A combination of resolution and excuses in case you didn't catch that).

With that being said, what a year. I mean, really. Wow. I have learned so much, and grown in ways I never thought possible.

I didn't want to do this. I didn't want to reflect on this or talk about it or think about it. I felt like if I did, I'd be acknowledging that somehow I was admitting defeat. But I have come to know you cannot truly know victory until you have experienced (or felt like you had experienced) defeat. So, in the least amount of words possible, here goes...

A year ago around this time, life as I knew it changed forever. I honestly couldn't see past what I was going through, nor did I want to. I was thrown into a pit. Literally, pushed in, kicked down and roughed up. Darkness surrounded me. My friends rallied by my side, promising to help pull me out into the light again. And boy did they pull, and tug, and allow themselves to be pulled and tugged back, and they faithfully got down on their knees, covered in dirt, and held on to my hands for dear life-- all for the sake of getting me out of that pit. Today, I can happily and proudly proclaim I stand in the light. The Lord delivered me (along with the help of my friends) from my pit. Hallelujah! "You may trod me in the very dirt but still like dust I'll rise...from a past rooted in pain, I rise...I rise, I rise, I RISE".

So, that's all I have to say about that. Despite the pain, I'd like to think I'd do it all again. For what I have gained has been so much greater than what I've lost. Thank you friends, family, and even complete strangers who sent me cards, flowers, and prayers as you shared in my loss. I am so blessed.

This year I have hurt. But I've grown. I've lost, but I've also gained. I have learned to love without holding back even after having my heart broken and trust trampled on. Because life is too short to hold anything back.

There are risks with everything we do.
We will get hurt.
We will be disappointed.
We will fail.
But that shouldn't keep us from
loving,
or forgiving,
or giving everything our absolute best shot.

We only get this one chance. Don't let a moment pass you by. Don't let a year pass you by. Make changes now. Every day. Little by little. You have it in you.

CS thank you for helping me to lose everything I thought meant something so that I could see some things really do mean everything. What I have gained has been so much greater than what I've lost.

Happy New Years  Day. Don't let another pass you by.

Brain fried. Babies. BREAK!

It's been a long couple of days. Although I've only had two finals to prepare for (of which I am SO thankful for), studying has exhausted me. My brain is fried. I just want to be done. As of tomorrow at 1PM, I will have successfully completed 5 semesters of my college career, and in just 3 semesters will be responsible for taking care of other people's lives--for real. It is overwhelming. It seems so far away, but when I look back on the last 2 and a half years of my life I cannot believe how fast it has gone by. As many times as I've told myself I wish I could speed up time and be done with school, I honestly don't want it to end. I have the best friends anyone could ask for. College has been a blast.  I am so blessed to have such amazing girls (and guy!) help see me through this demanding program. Thanks kt, br, bw, aa, jt, ms, cm, sf, jg, mw, rz, ch, sb, & jm for helping to get me this far!!!

Okay enough of school stuff. I have more important things going on in my life--which I've had to keep mostly to myself, but I just can't contain my excitement anymore. One of my dearest friends is pregnant. And she is having a baby girl. asdfhkjadfaoeifhoi!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! There are no words. Really, I can't even tell you how THRILLED I am. She sends me pictures of her belly and ultrasounds. The baby is growing so fast! I honestly never thought it was possible to love something that wasn't even yours so much, but I look at the ultrasound pictures at least once a day and I am just filled with so much love and anticipation. She's got the most wonderful mother in the world and I cannot wait to tell her all about our fun college adventures. But in all seriousness. There is no doubt in my mind this child will be well taken care of. Her mother has been one of my best friends throughout college and has seen me through the worst times of my life. She means the world to me and I cannot think of anyone in this world who shared in my excitement of someday becoming a Mom as much as she did. Love you, friend. Here is a picture of one of the people I now love the most in this world (or should I say womb)...

she's so beautiful. oh I just love her! 

as of tomorrow at this time I will officially be on my winter break. one month. no  homework. no tests. no projects. no 5AM clinical. no call bells. no latex gloves. no meds. HEAVEN. <3 

I am a Christian Atheist.

I am unworthy.

I am unholy.

I am broken.

I am sinful.

I am a hypocrite.

I am a Christian Atheist. 

So, moment of truth. I haven't been living for God the past few months. I'd like to make myself believe that I've been trying to live for God, but trying and doing are very different things. I could preach God's goodness all day long. And don't get me wrong, I believe it to my core. God is powerful. God is just. God is perfect. God is merciful. God is love. I believe all these "Christian" things, and yet I remain unmoved by these profound truths and my life remains unchanged. I believe in God, but I live as if He doesn't exist.

A wonderful and dear friend of mine sent me an article today entitled, "Is believing enough?" [http://www.relevantmagazine.com/god/deeper-walk/features/23722-a-christian-atheist] The author talks about how he believes in God and the limitless possibilities available to us through Christ, yet it's as if he believes it's possible for everyone else but himself. I feel like that a lot. Have you ever read the Bible and read something like Lamentations 3:22-23 which says, "Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness"  and thought, 'God's mercies are new EVERY morning!? That's fantastic news, and it in fact may be true for someone else, but after getting trashed last night and hooking up with what's his/her face there's no way it applies to me'. You want to know the crazy, and beautiful thing about Gods truth? It applies to everyone. 

I've been so caught up in how to re-begin my walk with Christ that I haven't begun! Then this morning as I was driving to clinical at 6AM my mother's voice popped into my head. "The best way to begin is to begin" she said. I've heard her say it a million times. And then, it hit me. I don't have to go one more day just believing God's truth. At any moment in time, I have the choice to actually live it. Believing is not enough. Knowing the truth does not make you an expert. Being a Christian is not merely a noun. It is a verb. Above all else, it is a word of action. 

So today, while the sun had yet to rise and the moon was still out, on my drive to clinical on a frigid December morning, I made a choice. I chose to begin. I am not perfect nor will I ever be. I am no more worthy today than I was yesterday. I am not any more put together right now than I have been the past few months. But that's okay. God's grace is enough. It is always enough. 

Choosing God will be a daily battle. But choice by choice, I will do my best to honor God and live by what I believe, and I know sooner or later I will begin to see change. Knowing what I know, how can I live any other way? There is only one way. It is onward. It is Christ centered. It is hopeful. And it begins with deciding to begin.