A little bit of perspective & a whole lot of grace

Another year has come and gone. I can't even believe it.

This year my husband and I both started new jobs that we absolutely love, we celebrated one year in our new home, welcomed a beautiful baby boy into our family and received the overwhelmingly joyful news that I am now completely cancer free.

While this year has been filled with some of the most wonderful things, we have also faced many struggles. I'll spare you the intimate details of our struggles and just simply say that there have been many many tears and many nights I have spent on my knees.

One of the most difficult struggles I faced this year was learning how to be a mom of two.

I was blessed to be able to take a full 12 weeks off for maternity leave & be home with my kids. It was overwhelming, beautiful, chaotic, and unforgettable. It included many phone calls & text messages to dear friends asking for support, prayer and a listening ear.

There were days I counted down the minutes until nap time and days we ate lunch at 10AM so nap time came sooner some days than others. There were days when I was sweeping the kitchen floor for the 17th time and thought 'tomorrow we're having ice cream sandwiches for breakfast, lunch and dinner'. And so, some days we did. There were days both kids would be screaming and I wasn't dressed or showered nor had I brushed my teeth or even had a chance to pee and all I could do was laugh to keep from joining them in their temper tantrums. There were days I struggled with postpartum depression so bad I would stare at my beautiful baby, knowing deep in my heart that I loved him, but felt nothing. There were many many days I felt like a complete failure as a mother.

But then there were moments. Seemingly ordinary moments in those long, and sometimes miserable days, that reminded me why being a mom is the most beautiful gift. Like the moment my very busy toddler crawled up into my lap and asked me to read her a book and sat still long enough for me to smell her hair and kiss the nape of her little neck. Or the moment she said her name for the very first time. Oh how sweet were the moments she would run up to me while I was doing the dishes or folding laundry and wrap her little arms around my legs and kiss my knees and look up at me with her big blue eyes and long eye lashes and say "hi mama!" before quickly running off again to play. The moment she whispered "Amen cheeseus" for the very first time after our bed time prayer. Or the moments just before she would drift off to sleep that I would whisper into her ear, "You're my favorite girl in the whole wide world", my heart aching a little more each night as I realized my little girl was turning into a little lady. 

The moments I was woken up in the middle of the night by my sweet boy who I got to hold and kiss and snuggle. Moments that reminded me of how lucky I was to have someone who needed me, and who I needed just as much, if not more. The moments I watched his face light up as his big sister kissed his forehead and patted his belly. The moment he smiled at me for the very first time. The moment I knew postpartum depression no longer had a hold on me and the floodgates of my heart opened and love poured out and hasn't stopped pouring out ever since. The moments he falls asleep on my chest. The moments he wraps his little fingers around mine. The few and precious quiet moments we spend together that I pray over him and the man he will some day become, and the woman he will some day love.

Yes, those moments are what it's all about. When I didn't know how I'd make it one more day, one more hour, or one more second, those moments kept me going. When fear and worry overwhelmed me, I remembered those moments. When that little voice inside my head tried to tell me 'you have failed', those moments whispered, 'you are doing something right'.

I believe what keeps me going is a little bit of perspective & a whole lot of grace.

I am not a perfect parent, but I serve a perfect God.

On this Christmas day I celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ. My Savior. My King. Abba. Father. Friend. The giver of grace. A whole lot of grace. Without you, I couldn't do it.

The love I have for my children cannot be put into words. I cry often just thinking about them. My heart aches I love them so much. And to think my Father loves me so much more. I am so unworthy of such love. But I am so thankful. So so thankful.

Jesus, thank you. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for choosing me. Thank you for choosing my kids.


To my beloved Callie Ann, whose name means 'the most beautiful' & my handsome Jax William, whose name means 'God has been gracious'--my heart beats for you. Thank you for serving as daily reminders of Gods perfect, beautiful grace. I am so so proud to be your mama.


Lord you've been so good to us this year. Help me be a better Mom, sister, wife & friend in 2014. And as usual, keep the grace coming. XOXO
 

Motherhood: What no one told me (but I wish they would have).

Well, it's offical. I survived my first year as a Mom. Holy cow. What a year.

As I carried my one year old up to bed on the night of her birthday the tears I had been holding back all day came pouring out. I held her in her room for several minutes just whispering, "thank you Jesus, thank you, thank you, thank you...Mommy loves you so much...thank you Jesus". I kissed her sweet chubby cheeks and placed my nose on her forehead, inhaling deeply, taking in what was left of her baby smell. I laid her down and covered her precious little toes painted rosey posey pink.

I walked back to our bedroom trying to compose myself. I couldn't. My heart was aching. Birthday's are supposed to be days of celebration, not heartache, I kept thinking. The year flashed before my very own eyes. From the moment I found out I was pregnant, to the moment I first looked into her eyes. The first smile and the first tear. The first laugh and her first word. Then came the guilt. The moments I had chosen anger over patience. Frustration over grace. I could have been a better Mom, I thought. I cried harder. My husband approached me from behind and threw his arms around me. "What's wrong babe? What happened!?" he said truly concerned. "I'm sad", was all I could get out. He spent the next hour trying to convince me that watching our baby grow into a little girl was a good thing. I still cried myself to sleep.

The first year was hard. There are so many things I would have done differently (and will do differently the second time around). There are things I wish someone would have told me about being a Mom. Then again, I don't think I would have truly understood any of it if they did. So for all my soon to be mom friends out there, this is for you. And for my mom friends who have successfully survived the first year, this is for you too.

Motherhood: what no one told me (& I wish they would have)

1. The Newborn Stage might seem like the death of you, but really, it's (fairly) easy 

You heard me right. That whole never ending vicious eat-sleep-poop-repeat cycle is easy. Your baby sleeps 10-18 hours a day? No, your baby does not have some weird sleeping disorder. Nothing is wrong. It's a gift from God. EMBRACE IT. And you know that advice everyone keeps giving you to 'sleep when the baby sleeps'? It's not just a suggestion. Your sanity may very well depend on it. So, what about that load of laundry piling up on your bedroom floor? Or that long to-do list you thought you'd tackle while home on maternity leave? It can wait. It must wait. Sleep. Stare at your baby. Smell your baby. Snuggle your baby. Wear your baby. Enjoy your baby. Because some day your baby won't be a baby any more.

2. It gets worse before it gets better

It's amazing what a lack of sleep will do to a person. I dreamed of having kids for as long as I can remember. My friends called me baby crazy. I always have been. So when the moment came to finally take our baby home it felt like all my dreams were coming true. But the second night we were home with our daughter I looked at my husband and said, "are you sure we shouldn't have given her up for adoption?" [insert hysterical crying here]. Thankfully, a few days later I looked back on it and laughed hysterically, appalled that I would even think, let alone SAY such a thing. You will think lots of outrageous things (although hopefully unlike me, you won't actually say them outloud). You will wonder if you're cut out to be a mom, you will wonder if you will ever get the hang of it, you will wonder if you'll be able to provide your child with the best, you will wonder why God chose you and if it was a mistake. You will wonder a lot. In those moments, take a deep breath, close your eyes and tell yourself you can do this. God didn't make a mistake. He chose you. And He knows what He's doing.

3. Don't be afraid to ask for help

no, SERIOUSLYYYYYYYYY. You know that old saying, "it takes a village to raise a child"? you'll finally understand the meaning of that saying when you become a mom. I'd like to know how we ever got away from living in villages with all of our relatives there to lend us a helping hand anyway. You are not meant to be alone on this journey. It's ok to feel like you have no idea what you're doing, because let's be honest, you don't. Please friends, do not be afraid to ask for help. Every mother in the world understands that sometimes you just need a break. Or a 5 minute nap. Or a cup of coffee. Or to get out of those sweatpants you've been wearing for 3 days. Or to get a shower. Call a neighbor. Call a friend. Call your mom. Really, it's ok.

4. You may have inappropriate reactions to certain things

You thought your pregnancy hormones had you on a rollercoaster? Oh, girl. Let me tell you. TLC's A Baby Story will now become a potential trigger for full blown meltdowns. You wanted chocolate ice cream and your husband brought you vanilla? You've become the next participant on WWE--and your husband can surely prepare for a smackdown. The baby is crying again and you break into spontaneous laughter? It happens. Be prepared for a wide variety of emotions. And just know, you're not crazy. Despite what your husband may tell you.


5. Don't shake your baby...or your husband/partner

Even though I felt fairly 'prepared' to be a mom, (HA-HA!) those first few weeks every time my daughter would cry I began to panic. Oh my gosh, what do I do, how do I make it stop!? Your mind will be on overdrive all the time. You will barely be able to remember to change your underwear let alone remember what day of the week it is. Therefore, I found it helpful to follow these simple steps when trying to figure out what baby wants: #1 check baby's diaper. If it is wet or poopy, change it. #2 feed the baby. #3 burp/rock the baby. If none of these things work, ask your husband for help. When, inevitably, he has no idea what to do, think outside of the box. You can try taking the baby outside for some fresh air. Take the baby on a car ride. And when all else fails, you can call your mom. (refer back to #3)

6. Don't forget to love on your husband/partner

Let me clarify. There are MANY different ways to love on your partner. Sex is out of the question for at LEAST 6 weeks, doctors orders. If you are one of the brave few who dabble in the waters before then, I salute you (or do I pity you?) Either way, try to remember how baby came into existance. I know we'd like to think we didn't need the help of our husbands/partner to create such perfect little human beings, but we did. It's true your life now revolves around baby, but before you were a Mom you were a wife (or a girlfriend). Don't forget it. Take time for the two of you. AWAYYYY from baby. This may seem impossible for the first few weeks (or if you're anything like me the first 365 days of your childs life). But trust me when I say you need to keep the spark alive. So go ahead and put away those granny panties you've been sporting for the last 10 months and break out the lacy stuff. (Still rockin' that post-pregnancy bod of yours? No problem. Put on your most slimming outfit and spray on some sexy perfume). Your partner will thank you.

7. Don't compare yourself to other moms  ((or pinterest))

This may be the MOST IMPORTANT thing I tell you. You will come accross all sorts of different ways to parent. Attachment parenting, co-parenting, authoritarian parenting, nonexsistant parenting. Breastfeeding, bottle feeding, supplementing, donor milk. Organic diapering, cloth diapering, buy-whatever-is-cheapest-diapering (my personal favorite). To vaccinate or not to vaccinate? (seriously, why is this even a QUESTION!?) You will see/hear/read a LOT of different things on how to be a mom. What your great Aunt Betty used to do 'back in the day' may not be sensible anymore. Just because your mom let you sleep on your belly doesn't mean it's best practice. Just because so-and-so did this or that and he-or-she "TURNED OUT OK" does not mean YOU have to do it. Do not succumb to peer pressure. Do what works for you. If that means taking your placenta home from the hospital, throwing it in the frying pan, grinding it up, encapsulating it and taking it with your scrambled eggs and bacon at breakfast, then go for it. (Sidenote- I have big plans for the placenta of baby #2).

And all those wonderful, happy photos your friends are constantly positing on instagram and facebook of their picture perfect lives? (Guilty as charged). Honey, don't you think for one minute that there aren't skeletons in her closet. Or a pile of clean laundry sitting in there that hasn't been folded in a week. And was rewashed 3 times before that because she forgot to move the clothes from the washer to the dryer. Let's face it, it's easier to let the pile of clean laundry secretly sit in our closet than air our dirty laundry to the world. And that's ok. Just don't go thinking you're the only one who doesn't have it all together. None of us do.

8. Some days you will feel like a complete failure

There will be days you simply don't want to be a mom. Yeah, I said it. There was a period of time I was lucky enough to experience what it meant to be a full time stay at home mom. Prior to this experience, I seriously wondered what all my stay at home mom friends did all day. After all, I worked 40 hours a week, came home, cooked, cleaned, and did everything (I thought) stay at home mom's got to stay at home all day and do. THEY were the lucky ones, I thought. All THEY have to do is stay at home and play with their kids. HA! Oh mama's, forgive me. A few months home with my little one was a swift kick in the ass and an unforgettable lesson in humility. If you are a stay at home mom (or dad!), I salute you. Talk about how a parents job never ends. Or should I say JOBS. You are not only Mom. You are a cook, and a maid, and a chauffeur, and an entertainer, and a nurse, and a waitress, and a million other things. 24/7. That can take a toll on a person. I remember some nights going to bed thinking, if something were to happen to me or my child before tomorrow I would never forgive myself for the less-than-perfect mother I was today. When you have those moments, ask God for forgiveness for today and grace for tomorrow.

9. Other days you will feel like you're actually doing something right

If you have managed to keep your child alive and the house has not burned down you're on the right track. Sometimes it's the small victories we must celebrate. Embrace every smile. Every giggle. Every hug. Every kiss. "The trick is to enjoy life. Don't wish away your days, waiting for better ones ahead. The grand and the simple. They are equally wonderful." --Marjorie Pay Hinckley

10. Love hurts

I'm not talking about that highschool break-up heartache. Or getting a B on your final exam instead of an A despite studying for days on end heartache. Or the heartache you felt when you lost your childhood pet. No, none of it compares to what you're in for now.

I read a quote once that said, "Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body." The moment I laid eyes on my daughter I knew I would do anything for her. And I mean anything. It's not just because I'm her mom and that's what moms are 'supposed to do'. No, it goes deeper than that. 

The moment I saw her a part of my soul left my body and entered into hers. In the same moment part of her soul left her body and entered mine. It was this beautiful exchange of soul-parts that has forever changed me. I will forever be connected to her in an eternal way.

I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart)

I am never without it (anywhere I go you go, my dear;

and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling)

I fear no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet)

I want no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)

and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

Here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(Here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows

higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

I carry your heart (I carry it in my heart)

--E.E. Cummings 

I never understood this poem in high school English class. I get it now. 

Watching your child grow into a little person is one of the most amazing and painful things you will ever experience. You'll cry...a lot. Happy tears and sad tears. At times you won't know which is which. But one thing is for certain, you will never be the same. 

If I could sum up my first year of motherhood in one sentence it would be this:

"There's no way to be a perfect mother
and a million ways to be a good one"
--Jill Churchill

So take a deep breath. Embrace the little one inside of you. (Or outside of you). Thank God. And when times get tough, keep thanking Him. Because you've been given one of the greatest gifts of all. You've been given love. And it'll just keep growing and multiplying from here.

Welcome to Motherhood.

The Perfect Parent

I feel the need to clear the air. Not just for myself, but for every single mom out there.

Here's the truth: We have become sucked into a pinterest crazed, green & chemical free obsessed, pro-breastfeeding, anti-formula culture. Here we have been made to believe that if we don't provide our children with elaborate nursery decor, don't use cloth/chemical-free diapers, and don't breastfeed, that we are somehow less than perfect parents.

Don't get me wrong. I dig pinterest. I use it to get lots of ideas, from what to cook for dinner, to ways to decorate my home. But let's be honest. We do not live in a cookie-cutter perfect world. We cannot give our children over-the-top nurseries, birthday parties, clothing, etc ALL THE TIME. Our homes will probably never look like those on the pages of better homes and gardens (okay, MAYBE when the kids finally move out, but still it won't be for a long time. a very long time.) And how many DIY projects do we actually ever attempt? I mean let's break this down for a second. DIY stands for Do It Yourself. How many of you mom's actually EVER get time to do anything yourselves!? And when you do, how many of you actually use it to do arts and crafts? That's a negative. You will find me sprawled out on whatever surface is available to take a nap on.

And in terms of being green & chemical free? Honestly, there are things I care more about. It's just not something I'm passionate about. In no way do I purposely expose my daughter to known chemicals or carcinogens, I just don't feel the need to research every single fiber of her clothing to determine whether or not it's harmful in some way or another.

Which brings me to my last rant: Breastfeeding Vs. Formula. I am ALL for breastfeeding, IF that is something YOU desire to do. But don't try to tell me I'm wrong for giving my child formula. There are lots of women out there who desire to breastfeed and for one reason or another can't. So if you are one of the lucky mom's whose boobies decide to cooperate and produce enough milk to satisfy your baby, and you somehow manage to work through (or avoid) getting blisters which leave your nipples cracked and bleeding, then kudos to you. Seriously, it is NOT easy. I don't care what anyone tells you.

My house is a mess 99% of the time, despite spending 2-3 hours each morning cleaning it. My daughter's room looks like we just moved in yesterday (even though it's been almost 4 months) because there are boxes of clothes everywhere. There are no special decorations or pretty pink paint on the walls.

We use disposable cheap off brand diapers. Not once has my daughter ever had diaper rash. In her almost 9 months of existence. EVER.

I breastfed for the first month exclusively, and for two months off and on after that. My supply sucked. I called the lactation consultant at the hospital I delivered, I called my local La Lache representative, I searched the web, I joined Breastfeeding support groups online, I called breastfeeding guru friends.  I took fenugreek, I drank GALLONS of water a day, I ate oatmeal for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I had blisters. Multiple blisters on each boob. Bleeding, cracked, sore blisters. Blisters my baby was sucking on. I did everything in my power to do what I could to provide what everyone was saying was "best" for my baby, and at the end of the day, it wasn't enough.

As a Mom you will forever think you know what's "best" for your child. But what's best for your child, may not be best for someone elses, or for you.

I am a good Mom. I am not perfect by ANY means. But guess what? None of us are. Pinteresting the crap out of your home, using cloth diapers, and breastfeeding your baby does not make you the perfect parent.

As Moms we compare ourselves to those around us. We want to be able to stand out, or at least fit in. We need to start ENCOURAGING those around us, rather than putting them down.

I'm not a perfect mom, but I have a perfect daughter. I have a HAPPY daughter. And that's all that matters to me.





Dedicated to all the Mom's out there who don't feel like they're doing anything right. Look into your babies eyes. You did that. You created that. Now breathe. You are doing just fine.