This year my husband and I both started new jobs that we absolutely love, we celebrated one year in our new home, welcomed a beautiful baby boy into our family and received the overwhelmingly joyful news that I am now completely cancer free.
While this year has been filled with some of the most wonderful things, we have also faced many struggles. I'll spare you the intimate details of our struggles and just simply say that there have been many many tears and many nights I have spent on my knees.
One of the most difficult struggles I faced this year was learning how to be a mom of two.
I was blessed to be able to take a full 12 weeks off for maternity leave & be home with my kids. It was overwhelming, beautiful, chaotic, and unforgettable. It included many phone calls & text messages to dear friends asking for support, prayer and a listening ear.
There were days I counted down the minutes until nap time and days we ate lunch at 10AM so nap time came sooner some days than others. There were days when I was sweeping the kitchen floor for the 17th time and thought 'tomorrow we're having ice cream sandwiches for breakfast, lunch and dinner'. And so, some days we did. There were days both kids would be screaming and I wasn't dressed or showered nor had I brushed my teeth or even had a chance to pee and all I could do was laugh to keep from joining them in their temper tantrums. There were days I struggled with postpartum depression so bad I would stare at my beautiful baby, knowing deep in my heart that I loved him, but felt nothing. There were many many days I felt like a complete failure as a mother.
But then there were moments. Seemingly ordinary moments in those long, and sometimes miserable days, that reminded me why being a mom is the most beautiful gift. Like the moment my very busy toddler crawled up into my lap and asked me to read her a book and sat still long enough for me to smell her hair and kiss the nape of her little neck. Or the moment she said her name for the very first time. Oh how sweet were the moments she would run up to me while I was doing the dishes or folding laundry and wrap her little arms around my legs and kiss my knees and look up at me with her big blue eyes and long eye lashes and say "hi mama!" before quickly running off again to play. The moment she whispered "Amen cheeseus" for the very first time after our bed time prayer. Or the moments just before she would drift off to sleep that I would whisper into her ear, "You're my favorite girl in the whole wide world", my heart aching a little more each night as I realized my little girl was turning into a little lady.
The moments I was woken up in the middle of the night by my sweet boy who I got to hold and kiss and snuggle. Moments that reminded me of how lucky I was to have someone who needed me, and who I needed just as much, if not more. The moments I watched his face light up as his big sister kissed his forehead and patted his belly. The moment he smiled at me for the very first time. The moment I knew postpartum depression no longer had a hold on me and the floodgates of my heart opened and love poured out and hasn't stopped pouring out ever since. The moments he falls asleep on my chest. The moments he wraps his little fingers around mine. The few and precious quiet moments we spend together that I pray over him and the man he will some day become, and the woman he will some day love.
Yes, those moments are what it's all about. When I didn't know how I'd make it one more day, one more hour, or one more second, those moments kept me going. When fear and worry overwhelmed me, I remembered those moments. When that little voice inside my head tried to tell me 'you have failed', those moments whispered, 'you are doing something right'.
I believe what keeps me going is a little bit of perspective & a whole lot of grace.
I am not a perfect parent, but I serve a perfect God.
On this Christmas day I celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ. My Savior. My King. Abba. Father. Friend. The giver of grace. A whole lot of grace. Without you, I couldn't do it.
The love I have for my children cannot be put into words. I cry often just thinking about them. My heart aches I love them so much. And to think my Father loves me so much more. I am so unworthy of such love. But I am so thankful. So so thankful.
Jesus, thank you. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for choosing me. Thank you for choosing my kids.
To my beloved Callie Ann, whose name means 'the most beautiful' & my handsome Jax William, whose name means 'God has been gracious'--my heart beats for you. Thank you for serving as daily reminders of Gods perfect, beautiful grace. I am so so proud to be your mama.
Lord you've been so good to us this year. Help me be a better Mom, sister, wife & friend in 2014. And as usual, keep the grace coming. XOXO
