Happy New Day.

Here's my problem with New Years Resolutions.

Why do people have to wait an entire year to decide to make changes? Why do people seem to make up excuses as to why they can't do one thing or another until a new year comes around? New Years Resolutions are hopes, dreams, and goals put off by excuses throughout the year. They should be called New Years Resocuses. (A combination of resolution and excuses in case you didn't catch that).

With that being said, what a year. I mean, really. Wow. I have learned so much, and grown in ways I never thought possible.

I didn't want to do this. I didn't want to reflect on this or talk about it or think about it. I felt like if I did, I'd be acknowledging that somehow I was admitting defeat. But I have come to know you cannot truly know victory until you have experienced (or felt like you had experienced) defeat. So, in the least amount of words possible, here goes...

A year ago around this time, life as I knew it changed forever. I honestly couldn't see past what I was going through, nor did I want to. I was thrown into a pit. Literally, pushed in, kicked down and roughed up. Darkness surrounded me. My friends rallied by my side, promising to help pull me out into the light again. And boy did they pull, and tug, and allow themselves to be pulled and tugged back, and they faithfully got down on their knees, covered in dirt, and held on to my hands for dear life-- all for the sake of getting me out of that pit. Today, I can happily and proudly proclaim I stand in the light. The Lord delivered me (along with the help of my friends) from my pit. Hallelujah! "You may trod me in the very dirt but still like dust I'll rise...from a past rooted in pain, I rise...I rise, I rise, I RISE".

So, that's all I have to say about that. Despite the pain, I'd like to think I'd do it all again. For what I have gained has been so much greater than what I've lost. Thank you friends, family, and even complete strangers who sent me cards, flowers, and prayers as you shared in my loss. I am so blessed.

This year I have hurt. But I've grown. I've lost, but I've also gained. I have learned to love without holding back even after having my heart broken and trust trampled on. Because life is too short to hold anything back.

There are risks with everything we do.
We will get hurt.
We will be disappointed.
We will fail.
But that shouldn't keep us from
loving,
or forgiving,
or giving everything our absolute best shot.

We only get this one chance. Don't let a moment pass you by. Don't let a year pass you by. Make changes now. Every day. Little by little. You have it in you.

CS thank you for helping me to lose everything I thought meant something so that I could see some things really do mean everything. What I have gained has been so much greater than what I've lost.

Happy New Years  Day. Don't let another pass you by.

Brain fried. Babies. BREAK!

It's been a long couple of days. Although I've only had two finals to prepare for (of which I am SO thankful for), studying has exhausted me. My brain is fried. I just want to be done. As of tomorrow at 1PM, I will have successfully completed 5 semesters of my college career, and in just 3 semesters will be responsible for taking care of other people's lives--for real. It is overwhelming. It seems so far away, but when I look back on the last 2 and a half years of my life I cannot believe how fast it has gone by. As many times as I've told myself I wish I could speed up time and be done with school, I honestly don't want it to end. I have the best friends anyone could ask for. College has been a blast.  I am so blessed to have such amazing girls (and guy!) help see me through this demanding program. Thanks kt, br, bw, aa, jt, ms, cm, sf, jg, mw, rz, ch, sb, & jm for helping to get me this far!!!

Okay enough of school stuff. I have more important things going on in my life--which I've had to keep mostly to myself, but I just can't contain my excitement anymore. One of my dearest friends is pregnant. And she is having a baby girl. asdfhkjadfaoeifhoi!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! There are no words. Really, I can't even tell you how THRILLED I am. She sends me pictures of her belly and ultrasounds. The baby is growing so fast! I honestly never thought it was possible to love something that wasn't even yours so much, but I look at the ultrasound pictures at least once a day and I am just filled with so much love and anticipation. She's got the most wonderful mother in the world and I cannot wait to tell her all about our fun college adventures. But in all seriousness. There is no doubt in my mind this child will be well taken care of. Her mother has been one of my best friends throughout college and has seen me through the worst times of my life. She means the world to me and I cannot think of anyone in this world who shared in my excitement of someday becoming a Mom as much as she did. Love you, friend. Here is a picture of one of the people I now love the most in this world (or should I say womb)...

she's so beautiful. oh I just love her! 

as of tomorrow at this time I will officially be on my winter break. one month. no  homework. no tests. no projects. no 5AM clinical. no call bells. no latex gloves. no meds. HEAVEN. <3 

I am a Christian Atheist.

I am unworthy.

I am unholy.

I am broken.

I am sinful.

I am a hypocrite.

I am a Christian Atheist. 

So, moment of truth. I haven't been living for God the past few months. I'd like to make myself believe that I've been trying to live for God, but trying and doing are very different things. I could preach God's goodness all day long. And don't get me wrong, I believe it to my core. God is powerful. God is just. God is perfect. God is merciful. God is love. I believe all these "Christian" things, and yet I remain unmoved by these profound truths and my life remains unchanged. I believe in God, but I live as if He doesn't exist.

A wonderful and dear friend of mine sent me an article today entitled, "Is believing enough?" [http://www.relevantmagazine.com/god/deeper-walk/features/23722-a-christian-atheist] The author talks about how he believes in God and the limitless possibilities available to us through Christ, yet it's as if he believes it's possible for everyone else but himself. I feel like that a lot. Have you ever read the Bible and read something like Lamentations 3:22-23 which says, "Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness"  and thought, 'God's mercies are new EVERY morning!? That's fantastic news, and it in fact may be true for someone else, but after getting trashed last night and hooking up with what's his/her face there's no way it applies to me'. You want to know the crazy, and beautiful thing about Gods truth? It applies to everyone. 

I've been so caught up in how to re-begin my walk with Christ that I haven't begun! Then this morning as I was driving to clinical at 6AM my mother's voice popped into my head. "The best way to begin is to begin" she said. I've heard her say it a million times. And then, it hit me. I don't have to go one more day just believing God's truth. At any moment in time, I have the choice to actually live it. Believing is not enough. Knowing the truth does not make you an expert. Being a Christian is not merely a noun. It is a verb. Above all else, it is a word of action. 

So today, while the sun had yet to rise and the moon was still out, on my drive to clinical on a frigid December morning, I made a choice. I chose to begin. I am not perfect nor will I ever be. I am no more worthy today than I was yesterday. I am not any more put together right now than I have been the past few months. But that's okay. God's grace is enough. It is always enough. 

Choosing God will be a daily battle. But choice by choice, I will do my best to honor God and live by what I believe, and I know sooner or later I will begin to see change. Knowing what I know, how can I live any other way? There is only one way. It is onward. It is Christ centered. It is hopeful. And it begins with deciding to begin. 

Just say snow

I did not want to get out of bed this morning. I laid sunken in underneath a sea of blankets and fluffy down comforter, as every curve of my body was being embraced by my heavenly queen size bed urging me to sleep just 5 minutes more. Well, it worked. About 5 times over. I lost count of how many times I hit the snooze button.

Getting out of bed when it's cold out is the worst. Especially if you're not keen to wearing much of anything for PJs-- which thanks to my college roomie who introduced me to nighties and sleeping commando, let's just say it makes for cold mornings. Miserably cold. I don't know about you, but the first thing I usually do when I get up in the morning is go to the bathroom. Something about the cold air hitting me makes me have to pee. And yet, when I finally sit down to relieve this sudden urge to tinkle brought on by the chill, I can't! Have you ever had that happen!? It's horrible! It's as if my pee is saying, "oh no! i'm not coming out there! it's too cold!" Smart pee.

But seriously. It's miserably, bitterly cold. I wouldn't mind it so much if it was snowing. I pray we get a lot this year. I'd even be up for getting as much snow as we did last year. (I'm sure when we finally get snow and I'll have spent hours shoveling our corner lot and digging out my car, I'll regret saying that).

There's just something so magical about snow. It's so pure. Innocent. Cleansing. Maybe it's just the Jesus lover in me. (Jesus paid it all, all to Him I owe; sin had left a crimson stain, He washed it white as snow). Snow naturally brings people together.

Children build snowmen with their parents. Kids engage in snowball fights. Laughter fills the air as children wrapped in layers, and barely able to bend at the waist, sled down hills they eagerly climb back up time and time again to do it all over again. Red rosy cheeks, mittens, and snow boots enter every household leaving puddles at doorways. Hot chocolate and homemade chocolate chip cookies provide an instant warm-up before the kids suit up for round two. Or three. Or four.

Snow makes the world seem to slow down. It helps me remember the things I'm thankful for. The simple things. Like laughter. And family. It helps me be in the moment. To forget all about the e-mails, facebook, twitter, texting or other unimportant things that seem to consume my life on a daily basis. So I encourage you to take a snow day. Make a snowman. Have a snowball fight. Help an elderly neighbor dig out their car. Go sledding. Have a cup of hot coco. Sit by the fire. Curl up on the couch and read that book you've been wanting to read for months and just haven't gotten around to. Be thankful.

And pray we get some snow :o)

Changes.

I'm new at this whole blogging thing, but I have a good feeling about it. I think it's going to be sort of therapeutic. I've been through a lot in my short (almost) 21 years and I think I have a lot to offer people.

My life is crazy. You know the statistics that quote "such and such only happens to one in a million people"? I'm the one in a million. I've learned to roll with it. My life is an adventure. So here's to embarking on a new one. To kick this off, here's 10 things you should know about me.

1. In the words of my mother, "at the end of the day, all you've got left is family". And mine mean the world to me. 

2. You know that saying you never know whatcha got until it's gone? I've lived it. Multiple times. And, it turns out it's true. 

3. I may never get this Jesus thing right, but I have made up my mind to die trying.

4. I want more than anything to be a Mom. 

5. I am currently in Nursing school. I  never imagined doing anything else. Secretly I never believed I'd be able to do it. I only have 3 semesters left.
6. I laugh loud, love lots, and live large

7. I believe how you live your days is how you live your life. none of us are guaranteed tomorrow

8. I enjoy working out. Zumba is my thang.
shake whatcha momma gave ya. thanks mom :o) 

9. i have love and lost greatly. 

it has taught me so much about myself & i don't regret any of it. 

10. i struggle with the concept of God's grace and love. 

i can't believe He loves me. i am so lucky. 

so that's me. well, some of me. there will be lots more to come. thanks for embarking on this journey with me!