Motherhood: What no one told me (but I wish they would have).

Well, it's offical. I survived my first year as a Mom. Holy cow. What a year.

As I carried my one year old up to bed on the night of her birthday the tears I had been holding back all day came pouring out. I held her in her room for several minutes just whispering, "thank you Jesus, thank you, thank you, thank you...Mommy loves you so much...thank you Jesus". I kissed her sweet chubby cheeks and placed my nose on her forehead, inhaling deeply, taking in what was left of her baby smell. I laid her down and covered her precious little toes painted rosey posey pink.

I walked back to our bedroom trying to compose myself. I couldn't. My heart was aching. Birthday's are supposed to be days of celebration, not heartache, I kept thinking. The year flashed before my very own eyes. From the moment I found out I was pregnant, to the moment I first looked into her eyes. The first smile and the first tear. The first laugh and her first word. Then came the guilt. The moments I had chosen anger over patience. Frustration over grace. I could have been a better Mom, I thought. I cried harder. My husband approached me from behind and threw his arms around me. "What's wrong babe? What happened!?" he said truly concerned. "I'm sad", was all I could get out. He spent the next hour trying to convince me that watching our baby grow into a little girl was a good thing. I still cried myself to sleep.

The first year was hard. There are so many things I would have done differently (and will do differently the second time around). There are things I wish someone would have told me about being a Mom. Then again, I don't think I would have truly understood any of it if they did. So for all my soon to be mom friends out there, this is for you. And for my mom friends who have successfully survived the first year, this is for you too.

Motherhood: what no one told me (& I wish they would have)

1. The Newborn Stage might seem like the death of you, but really, it's (fairly) easy 

You heard me right. That whole never ending vicious eat-sleep-poop-repeat cycle is easy. Your baby sleeps 10-18 hours a day? No, your baby does not have some weird sleeping disorder. Nothing is wrong. It's a gift from God. EMBRACE IT. And you know that advice everyone keeps giving you to 'sleep when the baby sleeps'? It's not just a suggestion. Your sanity may very well depend on it. So, what about that load of laundry piling up on your bedroom floor? Or that long to-do list you thought you'd tackle while home on maternity leave? It can wait. It must wait. Sleep. Stare at your baby. Smell your baby. Snuggle your baby. Wear your baby. Enjoy your baby. Because some day your baby won't be a baby any more.

2. It gets worse before it gets better

It's amazing what a lack of sleep will do to a person. I dreamed of having kids for as long as I can remember. My friends called me baby crazy. I always have been. So when the moment came to finally take our baby home it felt like all my dreams were coming true. But the second night we were home with our daughter I looked at my husband and said, "are you sure we shouldn't have given her up for adoption?" [insert hysterical crying here]. Thankfully, a few days later I looked back on it and laughed hysterically, appalled that I would even think, let alone SAY such a thing. You will think lots of outrageous things (although hopefully unlike me, you won't actually say them outloud). You will wonder if you're cut out to be a mom, you will wonder if you will ever get the hang of it, you will wonder if you'll be able to provide your child with the best, you will wonder why God chose you and if it was a mistake. You will wonder a lot. In those moments, take a deep breath, close your eyes and tell yourself you can do this. God didn't make a mistake. He chose you. And He knows what He's doing.

3. Don't be afraid to ask for help

no, SERIOUSLYYYYYYYYY. You know that old saying, "it takes a village to raise a child"? you'll finally understand the meaning of that saying when you become a mom. I'd like to know how we ever got away from living in villages with all of our relatives there to lend us a helping hand anyway. You are not meant to be alone on this journey. It's ok to feel like you have no idea what you're doing, because let's be honest, you don't. Please friends, do not be afraid to ask for help. Every mother in the world understands that sometimes you just need a break. Or a 5 minute nap. Or a cup of coffee. Or to get out of those sweatpants you've been wearing for 3 days. Or to get a shower. Call a neighbor. Call a friend. Call your mom. Really, it's ok.

4. You may have inappropriate reactions to certain things

You thought your pregnancy hormones had you on a rollercoaster? Oh, girl. Let me tell you. TLC's A Baby Story will now become a potential trigger for full blown meltdowns. You wanted chocolate ice cream and your husband brought you vanilla? You've become the next participant on WWE--and your husband can surely prepare for a smackdown. The baby is crying again and you break into spontaneous laughter? It happens. Be prepared for a wide variety of emotions. And just know, you're not crazy. Despite what your husband may tell you.


5. Don't shake your baby...or your husband/partner

Even though I felt fairly 'prepared' to be a mom, (HA-HA!) those first few weeks every time my daughter would cry I began to panic. Oh my gosh, what do I do, how do I make it stop!? Your mind will be on overdrive all the time. You will barely be able to remember to change your underwear let alone remember what day of the week it is. Therefore, I found it helpful to follow these simple steps when trying to figure out what baby wants: #1 check baby's diaper. If it is wet or poopy, change it. #2 feed the baby. #3 burp/rock the baby. If none of these things work, ask your husband for help. When, inevitably, he has no idea what to do, think outside of the box. You can try taking the baby outside for some fresh air. Take the baby on a car ride. And when all else fails, you can call your mom. (refer back to #3)

6. Don't forget to love on your husband/partner

Let me clarify. There are MANY different ways to love on your partner. Sex is out of the question for at LEAST 6 weeks, doctors orders. If you are one of the brave few who dabble in the waters before then, I salute you (or do I pity you?) Either way, try to remember how baby came into existance. I know we'd like to think we didn't need the help of our husbands/partner to create such perfect little human beings, but we did. It's true your life now revolves around baby, but before you were a Mom you were a wife (or a girlfriend). Don't forget it. Take time for the two of you. AWAYYYY from baby. This may seem impossible for the first few weeks (or if you're anything like me the first 365 days of your childs life). But trust me when I say you need to keep the spark alive. So go ahead and put away those granny panties you've been sporting for the last 10 months and break out the lacy stuff. (Still rockin' that post-pregnancy bod of yours? No problem. Put on your most slimming outfit and spray on some sexy perfume). Your partner will thank you.

7. Don't compare yourself to other moms  ((or pinterest))

This may be the MOST IMPORTANT thing I tell you. You will come accross all sorts of different ways to parent. Attachment parenting, co-parenting, authoritarian parenting, nonexsistant parenting. Breastfeeding, bottle feeding, supplementing, donor milk. Organic diapering, cloth diapering, buy-whatever-is-cheapest-diapering (my personal favorite). To vaccinate or not to vaccinate? (seriously, why is this even a QUESTION!?) You will see/hear/read a LOT of different things on how to be a mom. What your great Aunt Betty used to do 'back in the day' may not be sensible anymore. Just because your mom let you sleep on your belly doesn't mean it's best practice. Just because so-and-so did this or that and he-or-she "TURNED OUT OK" does not mean YOU have to do it. Do not succumb to peer pressure. Do what works for you. If that means taking your placenta home from the hospital, throwing it in the frying pan, grinding it up, encapsulating it and taking it with your scrambled eggs and bacon at breakfast, then go for it. (Sidenote- I have big plans for the placenta of baby #2).

And all those wonderful, happy photos your friends are constantly positing on instagram and facebook of their picture perfect lives? (Guilty as charged). Honey, don't you think for one minute that there aren't skeletons in her closet. Or a pile of clean laundry sitting in there that hasn't been folded in a week. And was rewashed 3 times before that because she forgot to move the clothes from the washer to the dryer. Let's face it, it's easier to let the pile of clean laundry secretly sit in our closet than air our dirty laundry to the world. And that's ok. Just don't go thinking you're the only one who doesn't have it all together. None of us do.

8. Some days you will feel like a complete failure

There will be days you simply don't want to be a mom. Yeah, I said it. There was a period of time I was lucky enough to experience what it meant to be a full time stay at home mom. Prior to this experience, I seriously wondered what all my stay at home mom friends did all day. After all, I worked 40 hours a week, came home, cooked, cleaned, and did everything (I thought) stay at home mom's got to stay at home all day and do. THEY were the lucky ones, I thought. All THEY have to do is stay at home and play with their kids. HA! Oh mama's, forgive me. A few months home with my little one was a swift kick in the ass and an unforgettable lesson in humility. If you are a stay at home mom (or dad!), I salute you. Talk about how a parents job never ends. Or should I say JOBS. You are not only Mom. You are a cook, and a maid, and a chauffeur, and an entertainer, and a nurse, and a waitress, and a million other things. 24/7. That can take a toll on a person. I remember some nights going to bed thinking, if something were to happen to me or my child before tomorrow I would never forgive myself for the less-than-perfect mother I was today. When you have those moments, ask God for forgiveness for today and grace for tomorrow.

9. Other days you will feel like you're actually doing something right

If you have managed to keep your child alive and the house has not burned down you're on the right track. Sometimes it's the small victories we must celebrate. Embrace every smile. Every giggle. Every hug. Every kiss. "The trick is to enjoy life. Don't wish away your days, waiting for better ones ahead. The grand and the simple. They are equally wonderful." --Marjorie Pay Hinckley

10. Love hurts

I'm not talking about that highschool break-up heartache. Or getting a B on your final exam instead of an A despite studying for days on end heartache. Or the heartache you felt when you lost your childhood pet. No, none of it compares to what you're in for now.

I read a quote once that said, "Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body." The moment I laid eyes on my daughter I knew I would do anything for her. And I mean anything. It's not just because I'm her mom and that's what moms are 'supposed to do'. No, it goes deeper than that. 

The moment I saw her a part of my soul left my body and entered into hers. In the same moment part of her soul left her body and entered mine. It was this beautiful exchange of soul-parts that has forever changed me. I will forever be connected to her in an eternal way.

I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart)

I am never without it (anywhere I go you go, my dear;

and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling)

I fear no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet)

I want no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)

and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

Here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(Here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows

higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

I carry your heart (I carry it in my heart)

--E.E. Cummings 

I never understood this poem in high school English class. I get it now. 

Watching your child grow into a little person is one of the most amazing and painful things you will ever experience. You'll cry...a lot. Happy tears and sad tears. At times you won't know which is which. But one thing is for certain, you will never be the same. 

If I could sum up my first year of motherhood in one sentence it would be this:

"There's no way to be a perfect mother
and a million ways to be a good one"
--Jill Churchill

So take a deep breath. Embrace the little one inside of you. (Or outside of you). Thank God. And when times get tough, keep thanking Him. Because you've been given one of the greatest gifts of all. You've been given love. And it'll just keep growing and multiplying from here.

Welcome to Motherhood.