I am a Christian Atheist.

I am unworthy.

I am unholy.

I am broken.

I am sinful.

I am a hypocrite.

I am a Christian Atheist. 

So, moment of truth. I haven't been living for God the past few months. I'd like to make myself believe that I've been trying to live for God, but trying and doing are very different things. I could preach God's goodness all day long. And don't get me wrong, I believe it to my core. God is powerful. God is just. God is perfect. God is merciful. God is love. I believe all these "Christian" things, and yet I remain unmoved by these profound truths and my life remains unchanged. I believe in God, but I live as if He doesn't exist.

A wonderful and dear friend of mine sent me an article today entitled, "Is believing enough?" [http://www.relevantmagazine.com/god/deeper-walk/features/23722-a-christian-atheist] The author talks about how he believes in God and the limitless possibilities available to us through Christ, yet it's as if he believes it's possible for everyone else but himself. I feel like that a lot. Have you ever read the Bible and read something like Lamentations 3:22-23 which says, "Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness"  and thought, 'God's mercies are new EVERY morning!? That's fantastic news, and it in fact may be true for someone else, but after getting trashed last night and hooking up with what's his/her face there's no way it applies to me'. You want to know the crazy, and beautiful thing about Gods truth? It applies to everyone. 

I've been so caught up in how to re-begin my walk with Christ that I haven't begun! Then this morning as I was driving to clinical at 6AM my mother's voice popped into my head. "The best way to begin is to begin" she said. I've heard her say it a million times. And then, it hit me. I don't have to go one more day just believing God's truth. At any moment in time, I have the choice to actually live it. Believing is not enough. Knowing the truth does not make you an expert. Being a Christian is not merely a noun. It is a verb. Above all else, it is a word of action. 

So today, while the sun had yet to rise and the moon was still out, on my drive to clinical on a frigid December morning, I made a choice. I chose to begin. I am not perfect nor will I ever be. I am no more worthy today than I was yesterday. I am not any more put together right now than I have been the past few months. But that's okay. God's grace is enough. It is always enough. 

Choosing God will be a daily battle. But choice by choice, I will do my best to honor God and live by what I believe, and I know sooner or later I will begin to see change. Knowing what I know, how can I live any other way? There is only one way. It is onward. It is Christ centered. It is hopeful. And it begins with deciding to begin.